ch ch ch ch changes

Changes are funny, aren't they? I mean, obviously not funny ha hah - although some undoubtedly are; sex changes are funny ha hah. But changes in the main are funny peculiar.

My eBay rating is now 47, and I've actually emailed people that owe me feedback to ask them to give me some..(it's an eBay option). But, unlike a few weeks ago - see posts below - I've changed. I've changed in that my eBay rating doesn't mean as much to me as it once did. Once namely a few weeks ago.

But - for the moment - it doesn't mean as much to me. It's like I've...moved on.

Note too, regular reader, that my template has changed. This must be another symptom - the eBay change above included - of some kind of internal change.

The birth of your child brings with it upheaval of pretty much every kind; emotional, physical (tiredness etc), spiritual and mental. And once the upheaval settles, as I feel that it has, a change becomes apparent - it becomes clear that you've changed.

I'm not saying the change will be permanent, but for the time being the change is here and I'll go with it.

Some ways in which it has demonstrated itself (the two instances above apart);

• I'm feeling happier, more settled (admittedly I wasn't overly unsettled, but still)
• I'm feeling more energetic (played squash on Tuesday, playing again tomorrow - Sunday - morning at 9am), even went to the gym on Wednesday
• I'm more organised (I even bought a pocket filofax which I'm using and enjoying)
• I'm less anal about things like eBay and HL2 (see previous posts)
• Importantly, I've started to refer to my family*

*I've noticed myself doing this quite a bit, and upon analysis, it's clear that a degree of settlement has taken place within me. I'm married, and until last month, had 1 child. This, probably by most people's standards and definitions, is a family. However, I'm not aware of myself refering to my wife and son collectively as my family. But since Grace came along I've started doing it; e.g. 'right, I'll have to get my family together so that we can head off...' etc etc.

It shows that perhaps within me there was a bit of a gap that Keir left. And for all that Grace isn't a replacement, wasn't intended to be, never will be, that gap has, in part, been filled. A Grace-shaped baby filling a Keir-shaped hole won't ever work completely - stuff will still find its way through to my subconcience, for example - but it's definitely better than an unstopped Keir-shaped hole.

So, change is afoot and I'm glad it's happening now. You expect to feel a bit different at the start of winter, and a bit different again at the end. But a change in the middle of winter is both unexpected and welcomed.

I'm glad.